I’m not going to lie it’s not been plain sailing but I’m happy in how far I’ve come and where I’m headed.
Taking it back to 2014, I fell pregnant which unfortunately ended with me miscarrying at 12 weeks. This is where I fell in love with midwifery and realised that being a midwife was my calling. It was also the point where I knew I definitely wanted more children someday after I’d built my life with having my own home, having a car and achieving my career goals. That did not quite go to plan, fast forward three months later, January 2015. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter Eliza, who was born in the September and is now a crazy 2 1/2 year old.
Knowing how much I wanted to become midwife and how much I was ready to be a mum- I knew I had to accomplish all my aspirations to provide my ‘ideal’ life for Eliza and any of my future children.
I thought I had to prove the world that I was capable of being a mum and providing for my daughter at the age of 19 due to stigma and stereotypes of a young mums – in fact that thought gave me more drive to achieve my goals.
Parenting really got to me at times and it stills does, it does anyone I think. Not just the responsibility of caring for my daughter hit me after giving birth, but It was the reality that I now had home to run, furniture to buy – I had to be an ADULT. Trying to move out with a newborn who I was exclusively breastfeeding, SUCKED. It was just all of that, that motivated me to get it all done. After 6 months of being at home 24/7 with Eliza, I really began to feel lonely because I’d lost my identity to just becoming “mum”. I set out a 5 year plan, to make my dream and wishes come true but to also provide a stable household and environment for Eliza.
I had to achieve this plan, I felt this strength that I had never felt before and that was my child pushing me to do better and to get what I needed to get done, DONE. I started off by doing my driving lessons as I knew it’d be beneficial for the future. September 2016, I started college to do my Access course in health science professions, I began to feel myself again but that mummy guilt would kick in every time I dropped Eliza off at nursery. I had to remember that even though this was for me it was to provide the best life for her as I could.
Throughout the course doing the work at home was sometimes a major struggle, Eliza NEVER wanted to sleep when I had an assignment due or an exam. It tested me beyond doubt, and I always questioned how am I going to complete this or make it through university for 3 years. What kept me going to achieving my target goal in becoming a midwife is that I had to constantly set mini targets, so it did not feel I had mountain to climb. Those little success’ such as passing my driving test, saving up for a car and getting the 39/45 distinctions in my access course, are the ones that continued to motivate, boost my confidence and determination towards my future goals.
I wanted to give up when I didn’t receive a university place but I knew I could not because Eliza is my life, what would she think of me in 10 years time?! I just had to alter my plan slightly and stay focused.
Now almost finishing my first year, it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions, being a parent, studying and attending placement is hard to juggle. Parenting doesn’t just stop when your not with your child, Eliza is constantly at the forefront of my mind – what she’s going to eat for dinner? Have I spent enough time with her before she goes to bed? I have to sort Eliza out and the house before I even thinking about starting my work.
In the past 2 1/2 years of being Eliza’s mum I feel like I have achieved soo much, more than I have ever achieved at any point in my life. She relies on me, I am her world, she looks up to me – that’s why I refuse to give up because she’s always watching. If I didn’t have her I would not of achieved half the things I have done.
My advice is, if you want it enough you can find a way. YES, it is tough but think of it as whatever your trying to achieve THIS is only a fragment of the rest of your life. Set mini targets, ask for help when you need it and never doubt yourself.